Written as part of Michael’s studies for his MA, Ballad of the OCD Cleaning Fairy tells the story of a cleaning-obsessed fairy that happens upon the house of the 7 dwarfs.

Of course, the only question that remains now is what will the dwarfs think when they return to find him asleep in their very clean cottage!


Well it would be a lovely cottage,
But honestly, I’ve never seen so much mess.

Enchanting though this cottage is,
It’s put me in a tis,
I just can’t cope with all this dust and dirt!
You may say that I’m compulsive,
But I find these germs repulsive
So I’ll clean and scrub, and wash
Until my fingers start to hurt!

Look at these surfaces, they’re covered in hair
I bet these dudes have a pet –
You catch toxoplasmosis, you’ll need medical care
You know with cats you’re playing russian roulette!
Just ask my feline friend, that old Puss in Boots
His fur was laced with fleas said the vet
A rinse and spin at fifty, now he’s bald as a coot,
But he’s the cleanest cat you’ve ever met!

The floor is filthy and there’s mud up the wall,
A chilling viral vignette
E-coli and listeria are having a ball,
Dirty feet they bring me out in a sweat!
So when old Cinders flashed those fancy glass shoes
I had to throw them out, they’re a threat!
She didn’t get the Prince, he wed Penelope Cruz,
But she’s the cleanest feet you’ve ever met!

Killing germs is my crusade,
Cleaning Gods oh how I’ve prayed
For salvation from the terror of man flu
And although I’m awful tired (yawn)
Still more cleaning is required (pause as he sits down on chair and rests hand on the arm)
Oh dear God, I think that’s some kind of goo!

So when these little fellows finally return
I hope they won’t be upset
Cos I’ve got this cleaning rota that they’ll all have to learn,
Cos I’m the cleanest fairy ever – no doubt whatsoever,
I’m the cleanest fairy they ever met,
And they ain’t seen nothing yet,
Wait til I start on that kitchenette,
I’m a cleaning, washing, dusting triple threat!

[Spoken – Extemporise / improvise, getting tired, moving into something like the lines below]
So tiring, maybe I’ll just have a little nap
Mm, this bed looks comfy
Oh wow, what’s that on that pillow, that looks horrible!
I really ought to clean that… yawn… maybe later.